WHY THE NEW STAR TREK DOESN'T WORK - ONE AUTHOR'S OPINION

I've just returned from a viewing of the newest Star Trek incarnation...or should I say...abomination? Perhaps that term is a bit too harsh. Let me think here...ah...let's go with...abortion...and leave it at that.
Why, you might ask, is that my opinion? For many reasons, of course, and I will endeavor during this to explain why and what the basis is for my opinion. The whos, whats and wheres I will leave alone except to say that director J.J. Abrams must have an ego the size of the universe if he really believes that this is what he terms, in his own words, "a film that brings the fun and adventure of the original series".
Let me take this one scene at a time. First, in the opening scene, we see George Kirk, the father of James Kirk, in command of a starship (I'm assuming that's what it is...it looks more like two bathroom bowl scrubbers with a plate glued between them...but I digress) fighting against an unknown enemy (who closely resembles the aliens in Galaxy Quest, by the way) with his very pregnant, about-to-give-birth wife, Winona, on board as well.
After the death of the captain of the Kelvin and the attack by Nero on the Kelvin, now-Captain George Kirk sets the auto pilot only to be informed by the computer that it is offline. As it was advertised, the late Majel Barrett-Roddenberry played the voice of the computer, yet, in this scene, that is plainly not her voice that we hear. So much for truth in advertising!
Next, we're witness to the birth of their baby, James and then Captain George Kirk crashes the Kelvin into Nero's ship, killing himself. This is my first point of contention. As already established in the known Trek universe, James T. Kirk was NOT an only child. His parents already had spawned his older brother, George Samuel Kirk. Where is the reference to this?
The next scene involves a pre-teen James Kirk having obviously stolen what we're led to believe is his stepfather's (stepfather? Again, another variance in established Trek lore. It was established decades ago that after the death of George, on Earth no less, that Winona never remarried!) classic Corvette. Driven through the country in the state of Iowa, suddenly we see that the young Kirk is headed toward certain death as he hurtles in the car toward a canyon as large as the Grand Canyon. After doing some research in known topographical maps and using Google Earth, I was unable to find any canyons of that size, let alone any canyons at all in the state of Iowa! Another fallacy appears!
We next move to Vulcan where the young Spock is being examined for his knowledge only to be accosted by three young Vulcans who taunt and insult him, eliciting an emotional response from him. At last, something that does remain true to the history of Trek. Next, we meet Sarek and Amanda, who are both obviously proud of their son for different reasons. Then, we see Spock standing before the Vulcan council, turning down his admission to the Vulcan Science Academy. While I will admit that Zachary Quinto does bear a striking resemblance to Leonard Nimoy, his abilities as an actor come nowhere close to convincing me that we are seeing Spock in his pre-Starfleet days.
Now, we move to an unknown bar evidently on Earth (again in Iowa as we find out shortly) and see our first glimpse of Uhura, coming to the bar and ordering a round of drinks. While I can accept the notion of "Budweiser Classic", the idea of her ordering any kind of drink named a "Cardassian Sunrise". The Cardassian race was unknown to anyone in the Trek world until the Next Generation series. While, obviously, the race existed without mention in the original series (both TOS, Enterprise and the ill-fated Animated Series), with this movie being set before the original series, it seems unlikely that anyone on Earth would have known about the Cardassian race nor have named a drink after them.
Then, suddenly we see James Kirk coming up to the bar and hitting on Uhura? This begs explanation! As we already know, Kirk and Uhura only ever kissed once in the third season TOS episode "Bread and Circuses" and here we're led to believe that that Kirk would hit on her, resulting in him getting involved in a fight that's broken up by...you still with me? Captain Christopher Pike! How odd that the first meeting between Kirk and Pike should take place in a bar when, again, it was established that neither of them ever met before the events that took place in "Menagerie" when Kirk, Spock and McCoy visit the radiation-scarred Pike at the medical facility on a Starbase.
After what I'm assuming is a pep talk/recruitment talk between Kirk and Pike, we see Kirk riding through the Iowa cornfields, stopping outside a construction site and observing the new U.S.S. Enterprise being constructed there. OK, first of all, we already know by rote that all starships at that time were constructed at the San Francisco Navy Yards. When the city of San Francisco was relocated to Iowa I have no idea. As well, if the first starship Enterprise was constructed in space as seen in Enterprise, why is this ship being constructed on Earth? What happened to the spacedocks?
Now, we move to Kirk arriving at some of embarkation point and getting on a shuttle, obviously having decided to take Pike's advice and enlist in Starfleet. He meets up with Leonard McCoy, an obviously bitter and jaded man, who complains that he has nowhere else to go after his divorce. OK, that's true to form so far, but, where in the hell is McCoy's southern accent. His history shows that he was born and raised in Georgia, yet this McCoy sounds as though he just arrived from Brooklyn, New York? I think not!
Next up is a change of scene in which we get our first good look at the protagonist in the film, Nero, who looks for all the world with all the facing markings like Voyager's Commander Chakotay's great-great-great-great grandfather! Moving on...
Now, we, FINALLY, move to San Francisco, miraculously back in California! Suddenly, there's Kirk in bed with an green Orion girl and then we discover that her roommate is Uhura. Excuse me, but again, neither Kirk or Uhura ever met prior to their serving about the Enterprise!
Next up is Kirk's third attempt at beating the Kobayashi Maru training simulation. As previously established in The Wrath of Khan, this does follow the correct history as he reprogrammed the simulation so it was possible to save the ship. But! After this, we discover that Spock wrote the simulation? I don't think so!
After an interrupted Academy board hearing, suddenly McCoy drugs Kirk and get him on board the Enterprise which, surprise!, is now in space and ready to go. How it got from the fields of Iowa and out into space is a mystery we'll never understand.
Now aboard the shuttle, we're taken on a panoramic view of the brand-new starship Enterprise. OK, I know you've probably been waiting for this...my thoughts on the ship and here they are, ready or not! What Abrams and his crew were thinking when they came up with this is beyond me. While the saucer section looks relatively correct based on established Trek lore, the rest of the ship looks like something out of a Cracker Jack box. The nacelles look like the product of a twisted vibrator manufacturer's mind and the lower section could be called anything but correct. No sensor dish on the front, the markings on the side completely incorrect, etc. etc. etc. As I viewed the exterior of the ship, I could only imagine what the interiors would look like.
Not waiting for very long, we see Spock entering the bridge, or what I assume is the bridge. It looks more like a cocktail lounge all set for a busy Saturday night. Plus, we have Captain Pike in command? Again, Kirk and Pike never met anywhere at any time until Menagerie!
We meet Sulu for the time here as the Enterprise leaves the spacedock when suddenly we also meet Chekov onboard as the navigator? Again, another variance from the established history. Chekov did not serve onboard as the ship's navigator until the second season of the original series. The way Abrams just threw characters together, it appears that he just wanted to give each of them as much screen time together as possible.
Skipping past the obligatory battle scenes at Vulcan involving the Enterprise, suddenly we have Pike giving Spock command and making Kirk the first officer? I'm not even going to comment on that as that's so far out of the norm it doesn't deserve any kind of comment.
Again, moving on, suddenly we see Pike as Nero's hostage with the villain threatening to insert a Centaurian slug into Pike's brain. Didn't we see this done in The Wrath of Khan already? One would think with Abrams "marvelous wonderful ideas" that he has, he could have come with something better than rehashing an old story line.
And while we're on the subject of rehashing, next we find out that the whole purpose of Nero's attack is to create an alternate reality. Another old story line overused and overdone as well.
Now, unless I'm mistaken, after Spock has Kirk forcibly ejected off the Enterprise and he lands on the ice planet, he runs into the present day Spock? But, aren't both Spocks in the same time period now? Again, this begs explanation as it was previously established in the Trek universe that two identical people, regardless of age, cannot exist in the same time line.
Moving on, we discover that everything that has happened thus far is because of a change in the time/space continuum. Sigh...yet another rehash of an old story line. Are there no new story lines that could be thought up or is it just me?
And now, the old Spock sends Kirk back to the Enterprise along with Mr. Scott, who appeared out of nowhere on the ice planet that Spock was abandoned on, telling Kirk that he must relieve his younger self of command and take over if time and history stand a chance of being corrected.
Speaking of Spock, what is this underlying current between him and Uhura? Please let's not even assume that they have the hots for one another! His father may have married a human female, but the old adage "like father, like son" does NOT work here!
At this point, we can dispense with the remainder of the movie since all it is the final battle in which Nero is defeated and the Enterprise and its crew successfully return to Earth.
A last comment, however. If Kirk was sent back by the older Spock to correct the timeline, it seems that he failed in that Vulcan was not saved, nor was Spock's mother Amanda. Since she apparently was still alive in the TOS episode, Journey To Babel, again, this begs some explanation as well!
And now, my final overall comments about the movie. While I'm sure that it will appeal to the teens and young adults who seem to thrive on the action-packed, "blow em up" style that's contained here, for those of us who grew up with Star Trek, my thought is that this is not what we have to come to know the series as. Too many rehashed storylines and blatant errors in the established canon make this movie just another action picture. It is truly not Star Trek, but more suited to the Star Wars genre. Were Gene or Majel (who's voice I never did hear as the computer throughout the entire movie) still alive, I would hope that they would accept the devoted fans' apologies. It's certain that Abrams would not offer such as he so obviously missed the whole meaning behind Star Trek.
In my opinion, this movie "Star Trek - The Future Begins" should really be titled "Star Trek - Total F***ing Bomb"!